Well…tomorrow…ah!
I’m beginning to feel those opening tremors. I hate how shaky I get
when I get nervous. And how I’m so easily psyched out. It’s silly.
AH!
Hahaha okay, down to business…
Yours truly is TRULY a college grad! Whoo-hoo! I graduated on
Saturday, May 21, 2011, and it was amazing. I got to see friends I’d been
missing, and got to do something I never got to do: the walk. I’m still kinda
waiting for it to hit me, that I actually did it. I, Alaina Davon, GRADUATED
with my A.A in baking and pastry…
The ceremony only lasted a couple hours, but it was lovely just the
same. Sooo many people. I was a nervous WRECK on the way to the city. Shaking
like a leaf. Couldn’t eat anything, and just…a mess. But, I calmed down once I
started seeing my friends, who I misssssssed! Hugged quite a few people, which
is sooo unlike me. I mean, I can usually count on one hand how many hugs I give
in a week. I don’t even know how many hugs I gave in that DAY!
So, at the start of the graduation, we all went upstairs to get our
numbered name cards (the numbers turned out to be obsolete, since they ended up
giving up on lining us up in numbers haha) and then went down to get some
graduating class photos. =) I had a graduating class, you guys!! Then it was
back upstairs for an attempt at a lineup, but after lining up the
masters/bachelors degree receivers, they nixed the idea for the associate
getters, ‘cause we had double the others, I think.
The speeches were okay. I mean, I’ve never been big on speeches.
Just someone talking, even when it’s important, makes me zone and my mind goes
all over the place. I can usually get the gist of what they’re talking about,
though. Anyway, speeches. Many many speeches. In reality, there were maybe half
a dozen. But it felt like double.
I swear, one guy talked for 20 minutes, and it was a wonderful
speech and he’s a great guy with a fantastic goal, but…*sigh* his opening was a
story about him and his wife picking and eating fresh asparagus in a field. He
said, and I quote: “they were juicy.” And I was gone.
Some people, I realize, aren’t built for giving speeches. Me, for
example. But, really…“they were juicy” doesn’t quite work for me. It sounded
like, and I’m almost 100% certain, he was reading it off a paper. But, honestly…I
don’t even know why this upset me. It just seemed so juvenile for a grown,
adult, experienced chef. I dunno, maybe I’m just picky.
And my favourite chef ever
got an award! Yay! Chef Bandula, a world-class pastry chef with probably
hundreds of awards and accolades under his belt, was presented with a chef of
the year award by my first culinary chef, Chef Yeager. =) That was awesome for
two reasons. For one, Chef Bandula retired this year. Oh so sad. =’( But he’s
positively awesome and adored me (hehehe) and I adored both of his classes,
even showpieces which I thought I’d do horribly in. I adore him. I mean, old
little Polish men are, by far the best ever =)
And the second reason: I swear there were at least half a dozen
applauses for Chef Yeager. Everybody loves that guy. The guys think he’s the
coolest. The girls think he’s gorgeous. Everybody thinks he’s hilarious. Just
all around a wonderful guy. Haha but seriously, a couple of times, he said
something sweet and like all the girls did a collective “awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww”
before the clapping began again. I wanted to laugh soooo bad!
Then it was walk time. I was the last person up! Haha and even
though the president asked us not to cheer individually, that was ignored
promptly. There were people everybody loved and who couldn’t just walk across
that stage in silence. So we cheered. Annnnd, all my friends did a super loud
cheer for me and I almost tripped over my feet, I was so surprised and I got
all teary once I made it safely down the stairs (I was choking back tears so I
could do that without injuring myself haha.) But how awesome that was! I mean,
I know I had friends and all, but when they called my name and I started
walking, I felt like I was hit with a wall of cheers from the people I’ve known
for almost two years. It was just…wow, I don’t even know. I was thinking “you
like me! You really like me!” haha someone please tell me, was that in a
movie?? ‘Cause I feel like it was.
Anyway, then went the certificate people. I had no idea how many
certificate students were at that school! So many! The associates took up I
think 4 rows, and the associates took maybe 2? It was a lot, either way. And
then a quick little speech and we were graduated! No hat tossing (because only
the masters/bachelors had the traditional cap and gown. The
associates/certificates had tall chef hats with stars in the top.) (I love
stars by the way.)
I am so proud of myself. That, even when I was questioning my
abilities and wondering if it was even worth it when I was unhappy with
something and everything, I still made it through.
I’ve wanted to be a baker for most of my life, I think. Sure, I’m
also leaning toward – striving toward, actually – becoming a writer, but I can
do both, I hope. How many people in this world can say they grew up to do what,
and be what they wanted to be since they were a child??
And now…I’m sorry to say, I’m terrified. I mean, it’s one thing to
get through the classes. It’s a whole different ballpark to actually DO what
you’ve been training for. I know, I have years and years to get it right, and
to train myself. I’ll always be learning.
There were times when I didn’t feel quite good enough. There were
always people in my class who did more, did better, had better views, better
art. Art’s not my forte (I prefer the production.) And I’m always my absolute
WORST critic, so even if my teacher said whatever it was we were doing that day
was good, I knew it could have been better. But, honestly, it probably couldn’t
have been. I gave my all in each and every single project I attempted.
Sometimes it was good, other times not so much. But 100% has many forms, you
know? And my 100% was often worse than others, but it was my 100%.
I suppose in a few years, all this fretting will be a silly, stupid
memory I can look back on with a smile as I cut the ribbon to my very own,
brand new bakery and dessert shop (if I do intend to stick with that idea. I
kind of like it, but I’ve also been a fan of bakery/cafes….but is that
overdone, do you think? Oh well, no reason to decide now.)
And then I’ll think, wow! For one thing, I was a silly little
goose. For another, everybody has their moments of doubt. C’est la vie.
Ahh Ireland! It’s in the process of hitting me, that I’m moving
there for 6 months. I mean, my bags are all packed and ready and I’m staring at
my flight information, but, really, I won’t feel it till that
honest-to-goodness shaking starts probably the second it’s time to leave.
And what have I to be nervous about? Other than leaving the country
and starting a new era of my life, and finding out if I have the cajones to do
this, and being on my onesie again further than I’ve ever been, and…okay, those
are all reasons. Perfectly fine. You know? I suppose most people are nervous
about changes this big. So why not me?
I’ve decided to be alive again this time. I was…plenty alive, back
in September/October. Hell, I still don’t know what got into me! So I’ll be
that Alaina, but older. Everything that happened there…and if you know me at
all, you know what that everything entailed…anyway, everything that happened
there was me being alive and so
young. Now, I’ll be alive and…a grown up, I suppose.
Thinking about everything, the big everything that it was, is
funny. I was so hopelessly pathetic. During and after, for about a month. I
think, when one goes through life with very few social interactions and then
suddenly, is in college and dealing with people, more people in a day than I
probably dealt with in a week, you try to catch up too quickly, make up for
lost time.
I was homeschooled for most of my life, and the few times I
actually went to a real school, I rarely saw much of my friends, or the ones I
had were as introverted as I was. Not the best way to come of age. I don’t
regret any of my school years, really. It made me…me. I like me. Just the way I am.
Anyway, back to what I was saying before I distracted myself. The
everything – which is what I’ve decided to call it, because I give impersonal
names to everything – was a bit too……quick. But I suppose, that’s how I do
these things. More about that later…
Haha I can feel how much older I’ve gotten in, what, 6-7 months? I
know, that’s a long time, but in terms of maturing and aging, it’s nothing at
all. But I know I’m different. I found my Ireland diary, and before dismantling
it, I read it. I think I started out with it going on about my day and how
excited I was to be there and how beautiful everything was…and after that
second Sunday…yeah, that all got shot straight to hell. I don’t think I posted
much from my diary from that point on. Maybe the odd, daily to-dos and
interesting things going on. Believe me, you wouldn’t want to know what was going on in my tiny little mind.
Goodness, I was a mess.
Anyway….yeah, older. Wiser, hopefully. Stronger. More jaded, on
account of stupid people. *sigh* but hey, maybe that’ll be a good thing for me.
Finally get my head out of the clouds. Romance is blah for me right now. I
don’t get into it quite like I used to a few months ago. I’m more starfishy
than ever! =)
So, about the “that’s how I do these things” bit. Guys are so…grr.
I don’t even know how to express how absolutely annoying and tiring and
irritating I find them. Not ALL guys, because, let’s face it, there are a few I
adore with everything I’ve got…as friends. I’ve never met a guy I liked in a
romantic sense that I didn’t end up wanting to castrate. Okay, maybe one or
two, but seriously? I have the possibly
worst track record with guys, which is insane! I mean, I’m gorgeous, sweet,
I can bake, I can write, I give every romantic attempt my all…so what am I
doing wrong??
According to one doofus, I give too much, or whatever. Yeah, a guy
I was interested in, and who was very briefly interested in me, said I wasn’t
enough of a challenge. I liked him too much…? Uh…huh? I’d think guys would like
not doing the whole silly cat and mouse game? It’s not like I’m easy; just, when I like a guy, I like a guy and invariably make myself
look like a baby trying to make it work. So, the childishness was probably the
real destroyer…but what ever. I don’t give a damn if they don’t like it the way
I give it; it’s just not for them, then. They can move on and so will I and
I’ll eventually find someone who can take what I give.
Somehow, something about me loses their interest for a bit, and
then they remember me and say ‘oh, she was cute/cool/whatever. I wonder if
she’ll talk to me.”
HAHAHAHAHA YOU GUYS ARE FREAKING HILARIOUS!
I give multiple chances, don’t get me wrong. But if months go by
when you have every chance in the world to say hi and you’re sorry, and you
don’t take those chances, I get bored and tired of waiting. I’ll actively wait
about a week. Then it’s up to you. I’m not gonna make you talk to me, dears.
I’m not even gonna get mad when you decide to hit me up just because. But I’ll
be damned if you get anywhere near me. I’m not some sort of winter coat you can
shove in the back of the closet for the other three seasons and pull out when
it gets cold.
I’ve had this happen to me too many times, and I’ve gotten so tired
of it. After letting one particular person back, I discovered it was probably
best he not be there, since I have flares…
Poor silly Alaina. Such a baby.
So, as of now, there are no guys worth one second of my time. I
know that now, and from now on, I won’t just open to them because they’re cute
or they say I’m pretty or whatever crap guys spew. (Though, the ‘pretty’ isn’t
crap…it’s hardly enough, on the other hand…) Anyway, I’m gonna take some
convincing and hard work. I’m not going to start with 100%. I’ll work my way up
if I want, and if they can’t take that, okay. Screw ‘em.
I’m not ever gonna sell
myself short or settle for someone. I don’t want to question whether or not he
really likes me. Whether or not what we had or did was just him trying to get
his rocks off.
Let this be a warning: I’m not here for a quick tumble, a two-second
romance, pointless flirting, taking up closet space, or anything along those
lines. If you want me, you’re gonna have to work.
Hahaha okay, off my pedestal. Anyway….
Ireland! What I meant to
focus on and somehow got sidetracked. I had the most amazing time, not
including the everything. I mean, I really came out of my shell. I suppose it
wasn’t enough, since the Chef there said on the last day during my exit
interview that it was the most he’d heard me talk since I got there…oops. Haha
whatever. I’m a quiet, do-person. Some people can talk and talk and talk
forever and nothing gets done, and some talk and do at the same time. I’m a
doer before a talker. If I have something to say or ask, it’ll come out, but
casual convo is not my forte. Deal with it, loves.
That being said, I will try to get out there more. While I did some
pretty wild things…which some people won’t let me forget…you know who you are,
loves. Anyway, while I did some wild things, that was giddiness. It was
temporary. And I was different once I got home. I was more outgoing. I’m just
hoping this time around, I’ll double or even triple that. Wish me luck.
So, Ireland. So many people have asked me why I loved it there. Or,
the awful, unanswerable question: what did I love most about it? For both of those, I have no idea. I just know I was
happier there than I’ve ever been anywhere. It was a bit like falling in love,
really. Sure, I had my bad days, but for the most part, I felt like I could
breathe for the first time. Like nothing could touch me. Like I was home. Or at
least somewhere I felt like I fit.
And when I left, I cried. The second our wheels left the pavement,
the tears came. And I’ve never cried to leave a place before. I cried the first time I left home, back in September
’09, but that was because I was leaving my family and friends and going out on
my own. To cry because of a place is…oh, I don’t know. I don’t actually cry a
lot. When I get mad, my eyes tear up, yeah, and if I’m watching a sad movie.
But, crying in front of people who aren’t my family…can’t say that happens,
pretty much ever.
You know, I wrote something like this in my fictional college
story. Basically, that’s about me and my spectacular guy drama (haha
coincidence, I think not!) and my wonderful trip to Ireland.
By the way, let me just say, I will never ever write a fictional
story about anybody real again…unless they piss me off…because it’s kinda
dangerous. Too many ‘coincidences’ for my taste.
Anyway, umm, yeah. In my story, well the sequel to the unfinished
first one (haha,) I ended up deciding to move back to Ireland to be with my
manly man Dominic.
While I don’t have a manly man waiting for me in Ireland, ahahaha,
the fact that before I even went, I thought that my character would move back
to Ireland, and now I am is just one
more creepy coincidence piled on top of the oh so very many my besties and I
discovered. (Oh, Britt and Jenn, if you read this, did we ever notice that I
got drunk in Ireland in real life and story life, for the first time? A little
coinkydink, but still! I also have a thought coincidence. Remind me to tell you
about it.)
So, sorry. Back to this. I think, if you had told me two years ago, before I started school, that I’d do all that I did and I’d move back to Ireland, I would’ve laughed. For one thing, I was already writing my story and that would’ve been odd. For another, come on. All that happening to little old
me? Never.
But, here I am, on the eve of my ascent to the skies, typing as
fast as I possibly can, because I discovered that moving a lot was helpful to
get me to calm down. I’m remembering the past two years happily. Every last,
dramatic, boring, eventful, sad, stupid, embarrassing,
‘dear-goodness-Alaina-get-a-grip,’
‘dear-goodness-Alaina-WHAT-WERE-YOU-THINKING’ moment of all that time. And, you
know what?
I think I’m happy with it. =)
Gonna stop boring you with my constant ramblings and distractions
and such.
Love and kisses, loves.
Alaina =)
PS: I’m posting this when I get to Ireland, on account of no
internet where I am. But, hey, you’ll get a double feature, because I’m sure
I’ll have some witty comments about the trip.
<3
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